It’s not that I don’t love them, in fact it’s quite the opposite… I love them to death.

Now don’t go all silly and get calling the cops, it’s not that sort of DEATH or KILL – it’s the kind that I have done to me on a daily basis.

You see, living with FastLaneMom is a bit like living in a bubble of loveliness. Where pretty much everything is happy and lovely and fun and nothing is seemingly too much trouble. I on the other hand will give out about 3 chances to the FLKids (if they’re lucky) before I lose my rag and either dish out a job or 2 or like the other day 4 jobs for telling me a Big, Fat, PORKY PIE!

I did tell the offending boy that he’s at the age now where a wash, shower or bath EVERY-DAY was required or his mates would start giving him a wide birth or maybe even a suitable nick name like ‘Stinky Malinky’ or ‘Sweaty Betty’ or any other of the myriad that lurk around the school playground.

I digress. Have you seen Demolition Man?

Simon Pheonix in Demolition Man
Eye, eye!

Well if you haven’t you haven’t missed a great deal but if you have then you’ll know what i’m talking about when I say that i’m forever waiting for my (Imaginary) machine on the wall – a morality box apparently –  to pipe up:

FastLaneDad, you are fined one credit for violation of the ‘No shouting at the children’ code

This would obviously be followed by me shouting at the box. Something like:

And you can shut-up as well

Only for the box to then reply:

FastLaneDad, your repeated violations of the No Shouting Statute have caused me to notify FastLaneMom. Please retain your mobile phone to receive your reprimand

Me:

Get ……. Lost! (Fill in the blank with a swear word of your choosing)

Box:

FastLaneDad, you are fined one credit for violation of the ‘No Swearing in front of the kids’ code

I tell you, this parenting lark sometimes has me not only in a head spin it also has me in a tail spin and also in a flat spin just for good measure. Sorry for all the flying analogies, they seemed appropriate. I guess if I wasn’t spinning i’d be twirling, then i’d be rooted.

The title said I was going to KILL the kids and this is how i’m going to do it… I’ve come up with – actually FLM told me about it years ago and so i’m merely choosing to implement it now – the idea of ‘kill with KINDNESS’. As I said it’s not new but it’s time for me to give it a crack as i’m running out of talent with my some of my current methods.

There, I said it out loud and i’ve also committed it to the interwebs so I can’t look back now. From the moment I hit publish (I’ve been writing this for about 5 years!) I will be a ray of sunshine, a ball of fluffy loveliness in my dealings with the boys. Hell I may even throw in a “DaddyWaddyLovesYouVewyMuchSonnyWonny” or 2.

A wise man once said to me:

Simon, you’re an idiot

Have you adopted anything like this or are you totally perfect and live in a ball of lovelyness all the time (hate you) I’d love to hear (some of) your stories or you can just extract the urine in the comments.

Love ya and i’m off to invent a Morality box that gives me a beer every time I say something like the following:

Son, you’re the best 9/11/13 year old in the world and I love you very much

or in a ‘non shouty’ voice:

Don’t worry about being sick in the back of the car (aged 10) without giving me a warning, i’ll clean it up…

or

Hey boy’s, weren’t you supposed to put those ipods/pads/DS’s/laptops away the first time I asked…

FLD

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